Would someone care to edit my query letter for my novella Mind Trip? Please and thank you.
MIND TRIP
Surrealist artist Eric paints what he thinks, paints what he sees, and sees what he thinks. Ever since he was a child, the world appeared to him through vivid, dream-like hallucinations that inevitably inspired the paintings that put food on his table. However, the last of his visions have come and gone. Eric blames his long-time girlfriend Tara. While she may be loving and supportive, Tara is a powerful sedative.
Then Eric meets Alice, an offbeat girl whose every breath turns the world into a powerful fantasy. Won over by her zany antics, Eric must decide between the safety of Tara’s dull arms and the ever-morphing excitement of Alice’s.
In the meanwhile, Eric is losing his mind. Hallucinations grow, and not all for the better. A dream world would not be complete without the occasional nightmare. Eric must decide what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s real and what’s fiction. Depending on his choices, he might lose both girls and his sanity too.
MIND TRIP is a completed novella of 39,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Andrew Layden
He Who Wanders 
Hi there –
Just read this and you’ve probably already sent it in but here are my notes. I’m a critical person by nature so take them with a grain of salt. And, I know nothing about the publishing world, but still, maybe I can help.
I like the concept of the opening line, but feel it could flow a little better.
Maybe add a few more words to describe Tara or their relationship.
The hallucinations appear to have returned, by contact with Alice, I think, but that could be stated more clearly as it seems to be a vital part of the book – the loss and return of these visions.
That he might “loose both girls” makes it come across as him wanting his cake and eating it too. But I think the story is probably more about his struggle with safety (Tara) vs adventure (Alice). That could be clearer. And if I got it wrong, then it could be even more clear. 🙂
Some thoughts.
Best.
Kathryn
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I came to the same conclusions. Also, I had some help on this site: http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/33740-query-letter/
I appreciate the input. Criticism is a writer’s best friend
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Sounds like I should hang out with more writers. 🙂 Did you submit yet?
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Perhaps you should
I did. Now is just the waiting game
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Yep, still searching for my tribe.
Good luck with it – sounds like an interesting read.
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You’ll find your tribe in good time. Most everyone does
Thank you 😀
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