He Who Wanders

Judging the underwhelming response to my last confession, I get the feeling you guys really don’t give a shit about my personal life. But please, give me a like or a comment. Give me your support. I need it.

I realized something. I don’t know anything about love. Daisy and I have continued our shenanigans, but we’re becoming increasingly romantic. We’ve both said “I love you” to each other, though I doubt either of us actually do. In fact, I think we’re quite different, Daisy and I. I’m the quiet, bookish nerd and she’s the peppy, girly girl. Regardless, I think I really understand Daisy because at the same time, we’re actually very much alike.

I’m in this relationship because depression has left my life dark, somber, and hopeless, and I’ve always looked for love to pump a little light and joy back into my life. I tell Daisy I love her not because I do, but because I want to. I am desperately reaching for someone to give me a reason to live. Not to mention, Daisy thinks I’m hot and sexy, and I have never thought that of myself. Never. I still don’t, but I’m really flattered by such compliments, especially coming from someone as gorgeous as her. I hope she can convince me that she is telling the truth. Sadly, I know that only I can convince myself they’re true.

I suspect Daisy is going through the exact same thing. She has showed me herself in a depressive mood. Her depression is real and frankly, it frightens me more than my own depression frightens me. She’s rather tiny. Like really tiny. So, creepy lechers aside, I don’t think people compliment her as often as they should. They’re distracted by her height.

Perhaps the only difference is that instead of love as a means of happiness, Daisy seems to focus more on sex and physical appearance. Yes, she wants love. That’s why she said first that she loved me. But, her libido is fairly strong and she told me today that she really wants to lose her virginity. I suggested that maybe she was horny or that she felt pressured by society and sexually active people around her. She denied both of those. In all honesty, I think she associates her self-worth with being sexually desired. And what is a great way to know if you’re sexually desired? If you’re having sex.

Likewise, Daisy wants her appearance to be on point because if people like the way she looks, maybe she herself will like the way she looks. Did I tell you she plans on getting plastic surgery for her nose and boobs? No, of course, I didn’t. She just told me. Ugh…she’s absolutely stunning. She doesn’t need to change anything. I don’t want her to change anything. And yet…she’s excited. She’s really excited! I just think that’s so fucked up. It’s like that scene from The Return of the King where Denethor is about to burn his son Faramir because he has convinced himself that Faramir is dead. Denethor is so clouded by his emotions that he can’t see the truth and is about to do something horribly dramatic based on his warped thoughts.

I don’t know. It’s difficult. She’s a damaged soul. That means I have to tread carefully so I don’t hurt her anymore. But I think I’m starting to see the truth about how she thinks and feels. I want her to see the truth. I want her to realize what she’s doing and why she wants these things. Yet, I don’t want to hurt her and think I’m insulting her. I just want her to feel comfortable with her body and happy overall.

Happy? Hm…can we be happy together? I think we’re too different. This relationship seems like it’s staying together on an excuse. Ugh so soon.

Am I an idiot? I definitely am. Someone tell me I’m an idiot. I’m a mess. I really am. I don’t like when you guys are silent. I want comments. I want your judgment. Just like Denethor, my judgment is shaken by a whirlwind of emotions. I can’t make heads or tails of my life anymore.